INT.  OFFICE

A file folder lays on a blotter on a desk set with pens, pencils, artillery shell bookends, and miniature American flags.  The seal of the National Security Agency is emblazoned on the folder.  An air force officer wearing aviator sunglasses abruptly slams a hand down on the folder.  

                (V.O.)

        This is a highly classified report from 

        within the National Security Agency of 

        the United States.  If you can’t keep a 

        secret, please look away.

The officer cautiously unties the clasp and opens to the first page of the folder, which is printed on official N.S.A. letterhead.  Throughout the document, portions of text have been blacked out.  The text is supplemented by artists’ renditions.  

                (V.O.) (CONT’D) 

        Contained within this highly classified 

        report is highly classified scientific 

        evidence, shocking highly classified 

        scientific evidence, that human beings 

        do indeed have extraterrestrial 

        neighbors...creatures from outer space!

The officer turns a page.  On this page is a rendition of a long meteor scar through a cucumber patch, into which Martin Stubbs, a farmer, is looking, mesmerized.  The scar is surrounded by fallen, scorched cucumbers. 

                (V.O.) (CONT’D)  

        Two years ago, Martin Stubbs, a farmer 

        from Montana, discovered something in 

        his cucumber patch that was neither long 

        nor green.  According to an audio 

        interview with Stubbs, he thought it was, 

        quote, peculiar and mesmerizing... 

The officer reaches to a metal utility cart parked next to the desk and pulls the play switch on a reel-to-reel.

                STUBBS RECORDING (V.O.)

        T-Touch it!  I-I just wanted to touch it!

The officer switches the reel-to-reel off.

                (V.O.) 

        ...and he just wanted to touch it.

The officer begins to turn a page but is interrupted by the N.S.A. seal, which fills the screen, as if the transmission is blocked.

 

                N.S.A. OFFICIAL (V.O.)

        The following actions executed by Mr. 

        Stubbs would never have been condoned 

        by the National Security Agency of the 

        United States.

The officer finishes turning the page.  The new page consists of two renditions.  The first is of Stubbs’s hand closing in on the Wonder Warmer, and the second is of Stubbs smiling down at his Wonder Warmer in his hands, quite pleased. 

                (V.O.) 

        Giving in to curiosity about his new, 

        non-cucumber friend, he approached the 

        other-world visitor and picked it up.  

The second rendition on the page is of Stubbs smiling down at his Wonder Warmer in his hands, quite pleased.

                (V.O.) (CONT’D) 

        To our amazement, the creature did not 

        seem to activate any sort of 

        intergalactic personal defense system.  

        In fact, quite the opposite. 

The officer turns to the next page which consists of a rendition of Stubbs, activated Wonder Warmer in hand, looking extremely relaxed, almost sedated.

                (V.O.) (CONT’D)  

        The creature seemed to have remotely 

        triggered some sort of alien pleasure 

        ray, possibly emanating from its alien 

        vessel high above earth.  Top U.S. 

        generals have expressed great concern 

        over this incident.  The visitors could 

        have more of these pleasure rays and 

        use them any time they wish. 

The officer produces a briefcase from down at his side which is handcuffed to the same hand.  He positions it on top of the folder.  He lifts one of the artillery shells and produces a key from beneath it, and unlocks the cuffs.  He returns the key to its hiding place.  

 

                (V.O.) (CONT’D)   

        Over the next several months, more of 

        these creatures were discovered across 

        the globe.  Virtually every continent 

        was visited by, what the public started 

        to call, “the wonder jellies.”  

He slowly and cautiously slides the catches and opens the case to reveal file folders, official papers, black and white photographs, and snacks he has packed in little sandwich bags:  Cheerios, raisins, cheese crackers.  He removes the photographs and closes the briefcase. 

                (V.O.) (CONT’D) 

        Fearing a worldwi-

The officer quickly reopens the briefcase, snatches his cheese crackers, and fastens the catches.  He hastily returns the briefcase to his side.  He places the photographs in front of him, the first one being of three scientists wearing lab coats in a laboratory.  They are playing with the Wonder Warmers and having a great time.  One scientist is sitting with his feet up, covered in all styles of Wonder Warmers. 

                (V.O.) (CONT’D)

        Fearing a worldwide invasion designed to 

        conquer earth, top U.S. generals ordered 

        National Security Agency scientists to 

        study the wonder jellies in captivity, 

        in an attempt to uncover and foil their         

        imperialist plans.   

The officer flips to a photograph of a cozy cocktail party, with people laughing and toasting.  Wonder Warmers are dispersed amongst the guests, enjoying the party as well. 

                (V.O.) (CONT’D)

        Surprisingly, the wonder jellies, whose 

        name we learned is actually Wonder 

        Warmers, appeared to be on a peaceful 

        mission here on earth to help humans 

        and bring them warmth and joy.  

The N.S.A. Seal suddenly fills the screen.

                N.S.A OFFICIAL (V.O.)

        This statement is not supported by the 

        top U.S. Generals.

The officer flips to a photograph of the earth.

                (V.O.)

        In order to survive, it seems these 

        Wonder Warmers possess a biological 

        need to provide comfort to the 

        inhabitants of this planet.  Life as we 

        know it, may be changed forever.

The officer flips to a photograph of a giant Wonder Warmer enveloping the earth.

                (V.O.) (CONT’D)

        Watch the skies!

END.